smoosh fruties!

uuughh i'm so sick of people thinking they can tell me what to do or what to feel. guess what? you fucking can't. i'm going to do what i want, like who i want, and say what i feel. got it?

i refuse to let other people stand in the way of my own god damned happiness anymore. it's been going on for long enough. enough is enough.

in other news, bits and pieces of my life are going swimmingly...other parts not so much. i need to find a way to make it all be awesome. we'll see. this semester definitely needs to be over though.

Squeaky swings and tall grass
The longest shadows ever cast
The water's warm and children swim
And we frolicked about in our summer skin

I don't recall a single care
Just greenery and humid air
Then Labor day came and went
And we shed what was left of our summer skin

On the night you left I came over
And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders
Our brand new coats so flushed and pink
And I knew your heart I couldn't win
Cause the seasons change was a conduit
And we left our love in our summer skin

Death Cab for Cutie - Summer Skin

it's not just the breakup. there's so much shit going wrong in my life right now and none of it is getting better and i don't know HOW it would get better anyways and i am just sick of BEING. i am fucking tired. and i hurt everywhere inside and out and i just fucking want to be DONE. and i just want someone to hold me and tell me that it's gonna be alright but dammit i don't have that and i am sick of trying to fucking hold it together here.

this morning i woke up and my hip hurt. before i opened my eyes, i thought i was at his place. then i realized where i actually was. and felt rather pathetic. god damn.

i feel stupid for missing him.

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."
-Bob Marley

Oh Bob. I loved you before I knew you said that, but now I seriously wish you hadn't gotten dead, because if you weren't all not-alive, I'd totally marry you on the spot for saying that.

I don't want to write this paper because I know it will sound stupid. Is this weird? I'd rather get a failing grade on a 15 point assignment than have anyone read something of mine that is stupid?

i'm gonna suck it up and do it anyways. but ugh. my brain is just not cooperating with me today. this paper is due at two, i still need to go and LOOK at the exhibition, and so far all i have written down is "Amy Hauft is"

I FAIL AT LIFE KTHNXBAII

i was all bummed and mopey that my usual group to watch the office with ditched and that i was stuck all alone tonight, buutt i just realized. in a little over a week, i can go out to a bar and hang out with my friends. well, the above-21 friends anyways. but this excites me mucho. after being able to do this for years in germany and knowing how much fun it can be, i can finally do it here too. win. i need to renew my license tomorrow. and go home and see the grandparents. this means missing whimsy D: but there's the possibility of doing stuff AFTER with whimsy folks, so that works out.

SHOUT OUT TO JUSTIN HI I KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS: drinky drinks somewhere soon? plzzz :)

okay, off to go put laundry in the dryer. and then watch the office all by my fucking self. people are so lame.

Forgot to update after moving, oops. Anyways. Moved in. Dead tired because I've spent the past two days moving OTHER people in.

Dearest tomorrow morning, I'm afraid I will not be seeing you. I plan on staying unconscious till at least noon. And then frolicking with people, because I'll hopefully actually have energy by then. MAYBE.


...I am so fucking thrilled to be back. Like this is the happiest I've been in a while and my people aren't even here yet. I fear that my heart might explode from glee on friday. Woo.

back to the dorm room i go. the wireless is REALLY shaky in there. I'm debating just sucking it up and paying the 80 dollars for resnet. ugh.

So, other than my body trying to KILL ME this morning (started to get cramps, got out of bed to go get ibuprofen, aaand immediately fell over onto the floor. hello, mother nature, you sure are here early this month...UUUGHHH), I'm feeling pretty good. I need to get a LOT of stuff accomplished today, though. Oy. I need to have both my car and my dad's truck packed before I leave tonight, whenever that happens to be. In order to do that, I have to find the rest of my shit. And do about five frillion loads of laundry. I really want to bring my Che poster back to school with me but I'm scared of ripping it in the move. That's how John Lennon and Josh Groban died last year, you know. Poor John got his head ripped clean off...*sigh* also, freshman year whilst moving, I dented my car. By dropping a TV on it. I'm not sure if you've gotten it yet but I really don't like moving. It usually hurts. Physically. Oy.

I'm actually writing this WHILE packing? Which means this entry, which probably only takes five minutes or less to read, actually took two-three hours to write. hmpf. on the subject of packing, STILL, I now realize that I have a LOT of clothing. How is this all going to find into one suitcase? I guess I'm about to find out. Blech. And don't even get me started on the makeup. *shudder*

I need to buy hangers and tupperware. I don't care what my mom says about wasting money on hangers, I am SICK TO DEATH of those god damned hangers from sears that get so incredibly tangled up with each other. I spend like an hour of every shift messing with those damn things. So. NOT. IN. MY. CLOSET.

Taking a break from this craziness to say just one thing. I fucking hate loading cars. The end. Goodbye. Will update from dorm. Tomorrow. UGH.

Tonight is my last night in Battle Creek?

...maybe I should pack/at least LOCATE the other half of my shit that's still unaccounted for.

I'm excited to be going back to Kzoo. Like really. Even if practically NO ONE is gonna be there for the first week. I'll just hang out with Tony and Charles. Mostly Charles. LOL. And I can bug Andrew and move furniture obsessively before my roommates get there and make me stop :P

I'd write more, but it just sort of hit me that i'm RIDICULOUSLY hungry, and I have to be somewhere in 2hours. Maybe I'll post pics of my new hairs?

Okay. Attempting to pull myself out of my bad mood. Today will be good. So will tomorrow. Today I get to go to the KIA with my mom for a bit (YAY ART) and then I'll probably see Charles, and then work, which normally would be like BOO BLAH EWW *HACKSPIT* etc, but today is my last day for OVER A WEEK, dear god. This makes me so unreasonably happy. Not getting paid for a week should bum me out, but srsly, I'm just glad I don't have to deal with all the stupid bullshit there. And then tomorrow, I get my hair cut finally, and I'm thinking before that in the morning I'll take myself down to the bank so I can get a credit card finally, my parents be damned.
Still haven't told my parents my plan to spend saturday night in Kzoo-nevermind, just asked my mom and she seemingly has no issue with it? there has got to be a catch here somewhere. now i'm paranoid. lol.

i am cold. i am tired. i am annoyed, still feeling a little confused and insecure, my computer is a bucket of fail and my back hurts, I AM GOING BACK TO FUCKING BED. try again in an hour. buh.

I'm going to blame the weather and PMS for the weird feeling I can't seem to shake, kay?

Hanging out with BOTH of my favorite people from high school today (which is not an easy feat, as one lives in New Jersey and the other in Indiana now), AND Cinema Bizarre's US album came out today, which is downloading as we speak. Eeep. I've heard half the songs already, but OH WELL. Mad, MAD love for that band <333

Lots of other changes recently that I should probably talk about, but I don't really have time right now? Me & Krissy are planning on being in Angola around 11ish, which means leaving here at 10...which means I need to shovel down the rest of breakfast and get in the shower.

ps: i REALLY need to get new lj icons. oy.

okay. deleted the post from earlier. temper tantrums, even in written form, are definitely not attractive. sorry guys. *sheepish grin*


uuuuhh

i'm eating enchiladas? they're tasty.

trying to figure out what i'm doing with my day tomorrow. ugh.

i was going to quickly post another short entry whining about something, but it's really fucking stupid, so nevermind.

So. My mom is setting up a hair appointment for me today, wooo. It's been over a year since I've had anything done with it, so I'm excited. Layers and some darker color, I think, since summer's almost over. Apparently I'm gonna get new skin stuff today too, which is even better than the haircut, because this past month or so has been RIDICULOUS. I think it's a combination of using really cheap face wash plus switching to a different kind of the pill, sooooo I'm kind of hoping for/looking forward to my face not being a total mess at some point in the near future :\

So. I'm moving into my dorm on Sunday, the 30th (not the 29th gahhhh). I'm pretty damn excited. None of my roommates will be there for another week, though. Which is both bad and good. Bad because I'll be alone in a huge (ish) room with no furniture, good, because I can get my stuff EVERYWHERE before my roomies have any say >:]

I'm thinking I want to have some sort of movie night once I move back in, but I don't have a working dvd player or a couch. I could easily just move mattresses onto the floor, it's been done before, but that doesn't solve the issue of how to play the movies. Dangit, I just want someone to watch the pink panther movies with me :\ i'll make welby let me use his apartment, if he's moved in. lol. poor guy.

i want a foof chair. but i can't spend over 200 bucks on an overglorified bean bag. maybe i'll just take a few bean bags and cover them with a blanket. lol. although...how hard would it be to make one? i'd just need some sturdy fabric and a BUNCH of foam pellets, right? I don't think I want to take my beanbag to school unless I made a new cover for it. It looks like a dead animal. Who seriously puts faux fur on a beanbag?! Eh, it was my dad's in the 70's. Anyways, the whole point of talking about that ugly thing was that if i can sew a new cover for a beanbag, I could probably just as easily sew a cover three times as huge. Voila, le foof!

I went shopping with Charles and his sister last night. I got a new shirt for work. Woo work. *dies* But anyways, I'm sort of amazed at how NOT awkward it is being around him still. Not complaining, though. I think there was one moment where we were walking right next to each other and I almost automatically reached for his hand, and then felt really stupid about it, which resulted in me feeling bad for like 10 seconds, but that was it.
Otherwise, a rather decent time was had, which was good, because the first part of my day sort of royally sucked. My mom definitely has control issues. She can't accept the fact that I'm old enough to make my own decisions, and so when she thinks she can prevent me from doing something just for the sake of her thinking she can decide things for me, well...this house is like a mine field as of late. She didn't want me to go to the Owl City concert in september. Why? She had no real reason. She just didn't want me to go. Too bad.

Saving up for a new laptop. The Failtop is definitely on its way out. I mean...we named it the Failtop for a reason. Again, my mom says I can't get a new laptop. With my own damn money. *facepalm* I really just can't win with her. Anyways, the one I'm looking at is a Dell mini 10. The only downside to it i can see is it doesn't have a disc drive, but...have you seen the disc drive on the failtop? I'm lucky if I can get it open on a good day. So I really won't be missing much. My mom pitched a fit because if it has no disc drive, she can't put her antivirus software on it. I told her not to worry, I'd get my own. Fit number two! She told me she wouldn't let me put her copy of ms office on it (i think it's good for up to three computers?) I told her fine, I'd just use open office. FIT NUMBER THREE. seriously, that woman probably has shaved ten years off her life with all the hissy fits she's had in the past 20 years of my life. probably ten years off of mine too...i can't wait to move back to school. to be able to just come and go as I please and do things my own way...it's gonna be nice. I had to be home by 10:30 last night despite not having anywhere to be today until 5:45. Of course my mom wakes me up at 8 anyways. *headdesk* we get along fine when i do what she says. it's just...it's usually a bit ridiculous, and i'm stubborn anyways. definitely a case of clashing personalities.

okay, i'm done complaining. i supposedly have other things i need to do.

I really felt the need to post, despite not really being able to put half of my thoughts into intelligible sentences at the moment. That, by the way, is really irritating.

I was retardedly cheerful at work yesterday. It felt nice, being that happy, despite it only really being a week or two since the last time I was. You know? I opened some accounts, helped some ADORABLE little boy pick out toy airplanes (I don't even LIKE kids and I wanted to take him home...he was THAT CUTE, I'm telling you!), talked to the cute MPU guy (who never really says much, so the fact that he stopped and actually TALKED to me for a few minutes was both mind-blowing and ego boosting. lol.), OH and I got to play with bubble wrap. Bubble wrap is amazing. Don't deny it, people. Just. Don't.
And I found out that my roommate is officially coming back to WMU this fall. This relieves me so much, it's almost ridiculous. She's just about the only person on this planet that I think I could stand to share a room that tiny with, really.

Anyways, the whole point of writing about how retardedly happy I was yesterday, was pretty much to point out that that's NOT how I'm feeling today. Oh argh. I might go hang out with Charles today, I dunno. I have a TON of crap my mom wants me to do this morning (seriously, she can't just let me enjoy my day off. I'm all for helping around the house, but this is getting ridiculous), and then we'll see what's left of my day and whatever.

Things don't seemed to have changed much since the breakup. We're still pretty close, we talk all the time and hang out still. It feels almost the same. Trying to figure out if that's bugging me or not. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we're still close, he's a lot of fun to hang out with, but sometimes I wonder if I'm being TOO easygoing about the way things are. I've always taken pride in the fact that I'm so chill about certain things, but a friend pointed out to me that in certain situations (like this one), it might sort of make me seem either desperate or like a doormat. SHOULD a girl be okay constantly hanging around the guy who just dumped her? Plus, I dunno. It's just so goddamn easy to like the guy more than I should as a friend, which is all we are now. I dunno, maybe I'd look more like I have some sort of backbone if I refused to hang out with him for a while. Be like, "look, you hurt me, I don't wanna see you for a little bit." But then again...doing stuff like that just to prove a point is not necessarily what I'd call my forte. And really, refusing to spend time with him just ends up inconveniencing myself, because we always have fun together, regardless of whether we're dating or just friends or WHATEVER the hell is going on. So really, that'd be kind of stupid I guess.

Half the time I think I'm overthinking things and should just let whatever happens happen, because that philosophy hasn't really screwed me over TOO badly in the past years, and the other half of the time I think I'm not half as annoyed as I should be.

Whatever. I want to be done thinking about this. He probably doesn't think about this at all. I just need to fucking get over it already.

i am feeling ridiculously bummed out today. i don't think it's just one thing. i don't even know, really. i think it's the typical end of summer/getting dumped/best friend moving away blues. you know? although the end of summer doesn't really bum me out so much in itself, because i'm really ready to see my people again. if jess doesn't make it back this year, i don't really know what i'll do. she's the one who brought everyone in our group together in the first place. knowing that most of my closest friends are only a few steps away is really comforting. and when i feel sad, instead of wallowing in my room waiting for someone to get online to talk to, i can just call people up and we can go get bacon pizza and cherry coke and watch terrible movies, or have epic late night adventures. i think that's what i miss most. the late night fun. braving a snowstorm at 3am to walk across campus to watch movies with your friends because none of you guys can sleep, getting lost in the parking garage and panicking because you're almost certain you're being watched, leaving creeperish notes on the sidewalk for your other friends who were too lame to come out and play, etc. late night adventures are what defined my sophomore year of college. i'm hoping to continue that trend.

i usually don't feel this crappy unless it's february and there's at least a foot of snow on the ground. i didn't run this morning like i was planning because i ache everywhere. seriously. it's like this dull throbbing that's just...THERE, you know? physical blahs on top of emotional crap really is a bad combination. that's probably pretty obvious. i think since i'm generally such a happy person (although the way i post sometimes, it'd seem otherwise...maybe i get all my angst out on lj usually and that way i can be as headexplodingly happy as i normally am in real life?), when i feel sad or depressed it's REALLY bad? does that make sense even? probably not. most of the stuff i think/feel lately doesn't. ugh.

on one certain topic, still pretty jumbled. it's clear that i don't always want what's best for me or what i deserve. because honestly, what's happened IS probably for the best. the way things went in the past week or so is not how i want things to go in my life. i KNOW i deserve better than a guy who makes me feel confused and insecure. and i think he knows that too. in a previous entry i rambled about how if things didn't change i would end things myself. and believe me, i would have. i have much more patience than normal people, but still. bullshit is still bullshit and after a while even i get fed up with certain things.
but hey, we still had a pretty good run, it was an amazingly fun and happy summer. maybe that's what's making it difficult. almost two months of good times vs. only a week of crap.
also, i think the fact that i know i SHOULDN'T be sad but still am is bumming me out even more, because i end up feeling stupid for feeling that way.
but i learned this last year and this is just reinforcing it: knowing things are working out for the best, doesn't necessarily make you FEEL the best. guess that's just life. and it's time to suck it up and deal.

i'm trying to get my thoughts in order here but so far, no real luck. i wasn't kidding when i told charles that i couldn't put everything i was feeling into words.

yes, i'm upset. i think that's been fairly well established. i really really liked the guy, and it's disappointing to find out that he didn't feel the same way. i dunno, i feel like i was more compatible with him than other guys i've dated. apparently, that doesn't really help.

i'm glad we can still be friends. i really am. i have a lot of fun with him, even in a non-romantic way, and if we couldn't talk/hang out ever again, i'd be really fucking depressed. i just have to find a way to not be so attracted to him. i've never really been friends with an ex right from the get-go, so i don't know if things will be awkward or not. i guess there's only one way to really find out. i'm probably going to a party with him on saturday. and no, i don't care if some of you guys think that's a bad idea.

i can't tell exactly how upset i am. i go between feeling totally okay and bawling my eyes out. don't know if that's normal. it's not like i'm heartbroken, we hadn't dated long enough to develop intense feelings or anything, but i'm legitimately disappointed, because i really liked him and i thought we worked well together. but whatever.

i'm not mad at him. you can't help how you feel, you know? if he doesn't want to be in a relationship, then he doesn't want to be in a relationship. can't change his mind. and i'd rather us be friends than nothing at all.

two stupid thoughts are running through my head. "oh man, totally not gonna get regular action anymore, DAMMIT" and "i wonder if he said anything on HIS lj"

...probably not completely normal thoughts. that's just how my head works, i guess.

also, slightly stoked because i always go sympathy shopping with my mother after a breakup, and she promised me jeans and that coat i wanted.

also, the past week i started wondering: do i really want a relationship with a guy who doesn't know if he wants me? i feel that despite as much as i liked charles, i deserve a guy who wants to be with me. and knows he's damn lucky to have me. apparently that's hella difficult to find though, because i have never ever had that. UGH. i know i'm only 20 and have plenty of time to find someone and whatever, but having this many failed relationships already really bums me out. i try, dammit.i mean, despite his somewhat sound reasoning for breaking up, i can't help but sort of feel not good enough. you know? like if i was awesome enough he'd reconsider not wanting a serious thing. which is fucking ridiculous to think. but that's just how i'm wired, i guess.

i had a strange thought earlier. for a minute i was like, "i feel like i'm in the same spot i was exactly a year ago." and that really upset me. until i realized it's not necessarily true. this time last year, i had maybe a handful of close friends, none of whom even went to the same school as me. now, despite still being all dumpified, i have a TON of friends here that i know i can lean on. the people i have met in the past year really have become my family and i do not know how i survived 20 years without them. i am so lucky. and i have an ex that may have hurt me a bit, but i can still have a good time with. nothing to complain about. other than that i feel fat, but what else is new. eating all that ice cream didn't really help, i don't think. running tomorrow morning.

this whole being optimistic thing does not mean that i don't miss the way things were. i really, really do. already. even though it feels like nothing has changed except facebook relationship statuses. i really liked that one :(

also: what's the most tactful way to ask an ex for your half of a box of condoms? we went halfsies on it and the thought of him possibly using things i paid for on other ladies makes me cranky. and a half >:[